Dating Tips
(专辑: That Handsome Devil - 2006)
People often ask me "Godforbid" they say "You're quite the
ladies man What's your secret?" Well You too can be swimming in women Afloat in seas of ovaries But more importantly Knowing whether behind those pretty eyes You have a
diamond in the
rough Or colored contact lenses and a
rough stripper named Diamond Lets recreate the
scene: make believe you're at a
table seat Talking playfully to the
waitress at your local place to eat Way beneath the
apron, Maybeline Smell of eggs and cheese, bacon grease She's a
babe, an 8
at least You want to push the
plate of quesadillas off the
table And spread them angel's wings But you can't say a
thing? If you don't do well with women They sell prescription drugs on television May cause loss of appetite Malnutrition, dizzy spells And different bells were ringing And that's where I
come in and give 'em a
little extra help to get 'em (You can't get) You see confidence is key when entering any situation (In her pants) We all have insecurities So why not build your confidence on the
insecurities of others? (But you don't) Hey, she's going to somebody (Give a
damn) So why not you? The
drunker you are The
easier it is to get laid But the
harder it is to You may have to picture what it is this month Whoever you've been thinking of The
girl at the
Pizza Hut Midgets, nuns Whatever little miss it was And with a
little hard work, a
little luck If you haven't given up Maybe you can get it up Now a
is supposed to be fun Instant gratification, a
roller coaster But no one wants to get stuck over and over Going home to the
roller coaster It's hard to watch your shows And do your homework And when the
ride you rode is over It'll cost more than a
roll of quarters (You can't get) So pull out I
know how warm and good it feels (In her pants) But its getting crowded 'round here Please, pull out (But you don't) If it's not the
one you want to stay with You can avoid the
face (Give a
damn) But not the
abbreviation Taking payments from your paycheck You can do it, pull out Men have what I
call a
"Columbus Complex" Other people may have been there But we still want to feel like we discovered it So don't tell the
number that you done it with Your summers in Columbia When you were young and done a
bunch of dumb-ass Rambunctious kids Wait for the
second date to cuff the
wrists Sponges, rubber gloves, and whips, oven mitts Now a
well trimmed personal area, that's nice But why's she so ready? You don't suppose that she never knows When she might show somebody? Now think about that before you go steady Or maybe at your own wedding (You can't get) If she's your girlfriend Leave her alone with your friends (In her pants) Now, I
don't expect no virgin But let 'em try to screw her If she's flirting, or she (But you don't) It won't work man Get rid of her And get yourself a
new girlfriend Remember (Give a
damn) The
currency exchange rate At this party she's an 8
At the
club a 7
At my apartment a
10 Environment dictates The
morning after She may slip to a 3
'Cause some things are better just to lust for (This concludes the
introductory segment of the
Godforbid self-help collection) Hey, sleep with other races Help out international relations (For further behavioral instructions, consult the
nearest strip club and/or liquor store. Thank you, and enjoy yourself) (If it's not the
one you want just let it go...) (This is a
good country filled with good people but what good is 'good' in times like these?)