Peter And The Wolf
(专辑: Peter And The Wolf - 1988)
Hello, Boys and Girls. This is a
story that I
like to call, Peter and the
Wolf. Are you sitting comfortably? Are you!? Good, then let's begin... Each character is represented by a
different instrument of the
synthesized orchestra. For instance, the
part of Billy the
Bird is played by a
flute, like this... The
part of Bruce the
Duck is played by an oboe... Louie the
Cat is a
clarinet. All right, he's not really a
clarinet. He's just you know, he's represented by a
clarinet... The
part of the
Grandfather will be played by Don Amiche. He... what? Can't make it? Oh. Huh. Okay, um, hmm, in that case, the
part of the
Grandfather will be played by, huh, a
bassoon... Three French horns play the
part of... uhm... three French horns... uh... (The Wolf! It's the
Wolf!) Right! The
Wolf. Seymore the
Wolf.... The
kettle drum and bass drum represent the
sub-machine-gun fire of the
hunters... And, of course, as always, the
part of Bob the
Janitor is played by the
accordion. Well, that's it for the
introductions. And now, the
story. A
long time ago, in a
galaxy far far away... uh... Oh, excuse me... Once upon a
time I
think it was last Thursday a
boy named Peter opened the
gate and went out into the
big green meadow. On the
branch of a
big tree sat a
little bird. All is quiet, said the
bird. Holy cow! A
talking bird!, thought Peter. Just then, Bruce the
Duck came waddling by. Bruce was very happy that Peter hadn't closed gate and he decided to check out the
deep pond in the
meadow. Billy the
Bird saw the
Duck, so he decided to fly down and pick an argument with him. What kind of bird are you if you can't fly?, he said; to which the
Duck cleverly replied, I'm a
duck! Stupid! They argued and argued. The
Duck swimming in the
pond. The
little bird skipping along the
shore. Sorry. Suddenly, something caught Peter's eye and you know how painful that can be. It was Louie the
Cat crawling through the
grass. Louie the
Cat thought, if the
Bird is busy arguing, I'll just grab him. So quietly, Louie crept towards him on his velvet paws. Well, his paws weren't really velvet... they were, you know, kind of like velvet. It's a, what d'ya call it? Uh, a
'metaphor'. It's a
metaphor, get it? Look out! Look out! Look out! Look out! Look out! Look out! Look out! Look out! Look out!, advised Peter. The
bird immediately flew up into the
tree... while Bruce the
Duck quacked at Louie the
Cat... from the
middle of the
pond. Louie the
Cat walked around the
tree and thought, is it worth climbing up so high, or should I
just send out for pizza? Grandfather came out. He was all bent out of shape because Peter had gone into the
meadow. It's a
dangerous place. If a
Wolf should come out of the
forest, then what would you do, huh? Peter did not answer, because after all, it was a
rhetorical question. Boys like Peter are afraid of a
lot of things, like Nuclear annihilation and flunking algebra, but they're not afraid of Wolves. But Grandfather got Peter in a
headlock and dragged him home, telling him that he was grounded and that he couldn't watch any cartoons for three weeks. Just then, as luck would have it, a
big, mean, hairy, ferocious, snarling, carnivorous Wolf, huh, did come out of the
forest! But I
guess we all knew that was coming. I
mean, the
story is called, 'Peter and the
Wolf'. We couldn't very well call it, 'Peter and the
Wolf' if there wasn't any wolf, could we? Huh, that would be really stupid. The
Cat was up the
tree in a
twinkling; which is about, oh, 2.3 seconds. Bruce the
Duck quacked so hard that he propelled himself backwards and up onto dry land. For those of you taking notes, this is a
fine practical example of Newton's First Law of Motion, which clearly states that for every action there is an equal and opposite reaction. But no matter how quickly Bruce tried to waddle away, he couldn't escape Seymore the
Wolf who was wearing his best pair of tennis shoes. The
Wolf was closing in on the
Duck. It was getting closer and closer and closer and then and then.... He got 'em! He got 'em! Oh no! Oh, it was terrible! Oh, oh I
can't believe it! Oh! The
humanity! The
humanity! Oh my God! Ahh-hoh, oh, huh. And then with one big gulp, Seymore 'wolfed' him down. Um, let me recap the
story briefly in case you just walked into the
room: Louie the
Cat was sitting on one branch. Billy the
Bird was on another branch, not too close to Louie, and Bob the
Janitor was at home defrosting his refrigerator. The
Wolf walked around the
tree so many times that he made a
small trench. Meanwhile, Peter was standing behind the
closed gate, videotaping everything that was going on. Suddenly Peter got an idea. He ran home and got a
big spool of his grandfather's unwaxed dental floss. One of the
branches of the
tree that the
Wolf was circling was conveniently stretched out over a
high stone wall. Peter scaled the
wall, lickity-split, which is even faster than a
twinkling. Then he grabbed the
branch and climbed onto the
tree. Peter said to Billy the
Bird, I
want you to fly down and circle around the
Wolf's head to distract him, but be very careful he doesn't catch you and bash your skull in and tear out your lungs and chew you up into itsy-bitsy teeny-tiny little pieces. Okay, said the
bird. Billy the
Bird almost touched the
Wolf's head with his wings while the
Wolf snapped angrily at him. Go ahead, said the
Wolf, make my day. Come on, cut it out, snarled the
Wolf, you're asking for trouble, Punk. But Billy the
Bird just kept on harassing him. Meanwhile, Peter made a
lasso out of the
dental floss and, carefully letting it down, caught the
Wolf by the
tail and pulled with all his might. Feeling himself caught, the
Wolf got really ticked off and started jerking back and forth. Peter tied the
other end of the
dental floss to the
tree and left the
Wolf dangling in mid-air. Hey, Big Bad Wolf, said Peter, why don't you come up here and get us now? I
would, said the
Wolf, but, well, I'm kinda tied up right now. Just then, some members of the
National Rifle Association came out of the
woods, firing their magnums, uzis and bazookas. But Peter yelled, don't shoot. Billy the
Bird and I
have caught the
Wolf. Now, let's take him to the
Zoo. Great idea!, said the
hunters, and if he likes that, next week we'll take him to Disneyland! Just imagine the
victory parade. Peter was at the
head. But after a
few minutes he was through and then the
parade began with Peter at the
very front. After him, the
hunters leading Seymore the
Wolf. Then Grandfather, and Louie the
Cat, and finally, Bob the
janitor who had to sweep up the
whole mess. Grandfather shook his head discontentedly, well, Peter, what if you hadn't caught the
Wolf? What then? Well, said Peter, he probably would have ripped out my intestines with his teeth. Said Grandfather, I
know that, you idiot. It was a
rhetorical question. Above them, Billy the
Bird chirped proudly. Yeah, that's right. We bad. We bad. Granfather decided that he'd had enough of the
pond and the
meadow and the
whole stinking scene, so he ran off to Los Angeles and joined a
Heavy Metal band. And what about Bruce the
Duck? Well, the
Wolf had been in such a
hurry that he swallowed him... alive! Which means the
gastric juices slowly disolved his body and he died a
long, painful death. However, you'll be happy to hear that just a
few years later he was reincarnated as Shirley MacLaine. And the
moral of the
story is... oral hygiene is very important. Make sure you see your dentist at least twice a
year