Albuquerque
(专辑: Running With Scissors - 1999)
Way back when I
was just a
little bitty boy living in a
box under the
stairs in the
corner of the
basement of the
house half a
block down the
street from Jerry's Bait shop You know the
place well anyway, back then life was going swell and everything was just peachy Except, of course, for the
undeniable fact that every single morning My mother would make me a
big bowl of sauerkraut for breakfast Awww Big bowl of sauerkraut Every single morning It was driving me crazy I
said to my mom I
said "Hey, mom, what's with all the
sauerkraut?" And my dear, sweet mother She just looked at my like a
cow looks at an oncoming train And she leaned right down next to me And she said "IT'S GOOD FOR YOU" And then she tied me to the
wall and stuck a
funnel in my mouth And force fed me nothing but sauerkraut until I
was twenty six and a
half years old That's when I
swore that someday Someday I
would get outta that basement and travel to a
magical, far away place Where the
sun is always shining and the
air smells like warm root beer And the
towels are oh so fluffy Where the
shriners and the
lepers play their ukuleles all day long And anyone on the
street will gladly shave your back for a
nickel Wacka wacka doodoo yeah Well, let me tell you, people, it wasn't long at all before my dream came true Because the
very next day, a
local radio station had this contest To see who could correctly guess the
number of molecules in Leonard Nimoy's butt I
was off by three, but I
still won the
grand prize That's right, a
first class one-way ticket to Albuquerque Albuquerque Oh yeah You know, I'd never been on a
real airplane before And I
gotta tell ya, it was really great Except that I
had to sit between two large Albanian women with excruciatingly severe body odor And the
little kid in back of me kept throwing up the
whole time The
flight attendants ran out of Dr. Pepper and salted peanuts And the
in-flight movie was Bio-Dome with Pauly Shore And, oh yeah, three of the
airplane engines burned out And we went into a
tailspin and crashed into a
hillside And the
plane exploded in a
giant fireball and everybody died Except for me You know why? 'Cause I
had my tray table up And my seat back in the
full upright position Had my tray table up And my seat back in the
full upright position Had my tray table up And my seat back in the
full upright position Ah ha ha ha Ah ha ha Ah So I
crawled from the
twisted, burning wreckage I
crawled on my hands and knees for three full days Dragging along my big leather suitcase and my garment bag And my tenor saxophone and my twelve-pound bowling ball And my lucky, lucky autographed glow-in-the-dark snorkel But finally I
arrived at the
world famous Albuquerque Holiday Inn Where the
towels are oh so fluffy And you can eat your soup right out of the
ashtrays if you wanna It's OK, they're clean Well, I
checked into my room and I
turned down the
A/C And I
turned on the
SpectraVision And I'm just about to eat that little chocolate mint on my pillow That I
love so very, very much when suddenly, there's a
knock on the
door Well now, who could that be? I
say "Who is it?" No answer "Who is it?" There's no answer "WHO IS IT?" They're not saying anything So, finally I
go over and I
open the
door and just as I
suspected It's some big fat hermaphrodite with a
Flock-Of-Seagulls haircut and only one nostril Oh man, I
hate it when I'm right So anyway, he bursts into my room and he grabs my lucky snorkel And I'm like "Hey, you can't have that" "That snorkel's been just like a
snorkel to me" And he's like "Tough" And I'm like "Give it" And he's like "Make me" And I'm like "'Kay" So I
grabbed his leg and he grabbed my esophagus And I
bit off his ear and he chewed off my eyebrows And I
took out his appendix and he gave me a
colonic irrigation Yes indeed, you better believe it And somehow in the
middle of it all, the
phone got knocked off the
hook And twenty seconds later, I
heard a
familiar voice And you know what it said? I'll tell you what it said It said "If you'd like to make a
call, please hang up and try again" "If you need help, hang up and then dial your operator" "If you'd like to make a
call, please hang up and try again" "If you need help, hang up and then dial your operator" In Albuquerque Albuquerque Well, to cut a
long story short, he got away with my snorkel But I
made a
solemn vow right then and there that I
would not rest I
would not sleep for an instant until the
one-nostrilled man was brought to justice But first, I
decided to buy some donuts So I
got in my car and I
drove over to the
donuts shop And I
walked on up to the
guy behind the
counter And he says "Yeah, what do ya want?" I
said "You got any glazed donuts?" He said "No, we're outta glazed donuts" I
said "Well, you got any jelly donuts?" He said "No, we're outta jelly donuts" I
said "You got any Bavarian cream-filled donuts?" He said "No, we're outta Bavarian cream-filled donuts" I
said "You got any cinnamon rolls?" He said "No, we're outta cinnamon rolls" I
said "You got any apple fritters?" He said "No, we're outta apple fritters" I
said "You got any bear claws?" He said "Wait a
minute, I'll go check" "No, we're outta bear claws" I
said "Well, in that case in that case, what do you have?" He says "All I
got right now is this box of one dozen starving, crazed weasels" I
said "OK, I'll take that" So he hands me the
box and I
open up the
lid and the
weasels jump out And they immediately latch onto my face and start biting me all over (rabid gnawing sounds) Oh man, they were just going nuts They were tearing me apart You know, I
think it was just about that time that a
little ditty started going through my head" I
believe it went a
little something like this . . .
Doh Get 'em off me Get 'em off me Oh No, get 'em off, get 'em off Oh, oh God, oh God Oh, get 'em off me Oh, oh God Ah, (more screaming) I
ran out into the
street with these flesh-eating weasels all over my face Waving my arms all around and just running, running, running Like a
constipated wiener dog And as luck would have it, that's exactly when I
ran into the
girl of my dreams Her name was Zelda She was a
calligraphy enthusiast with a
slight overbite and hair the
color of strained peaches I'll never forget the
first thing she said to me She said "Hey, you've got weasels on your face" That's when I
knew it was true love We were inseparable after that Aw, we ate together, we bathed together We even shared the
same piece of mint-flavored dental floss The
world was our burrito So we got married and we bought us a
house And had two beautiful children Nathaniel and Superfly Oh, we were so very very very happy, aw yeah But then one fateful night, Zelda said to me She said "Sweetie pumpkin? Do you wanna join the
Columbia Record Club?" I
said "Woah, hold on now, baby" "I'm just not ready for that kinda commitment" So we broke up and I
never saw her again But that's just the
way things go In Albuquerque Albuquerque Anyway, things really started looking up for me Because about a
week later, I
finally achieved my lifelong dream That's right, I
got me a
part-time job at The
Sizzler I
even made employee of the
month after I
put that grease fire out with my face Aw yeah, everybody was pretty jealous of me after that I
was getting a
lot of attitude OK, like one time, I
was out in the
parking lot Trying to remove my excess earwax with a
golf pencil When I
see this guy Marty trying to carry a
big ol' sofa up the
stairs all by himself So I, I
say to him, I
say "Hey, you want me to help you with that?" And Marty, he just rolls his eyes and goes "No, I
want you to cut off my arms and legs with a
chainsaw" So I
did And then he gets all indignant on me He's like "Hey man, I
was just being sarcastic" Well, that's just great How was I
supposed to know that? I'm not a
mind reader for crying out loud Besides, now he's got a
really cute nickname Torso-Boy So what's he complaining about? Say, that reminds me of another amusing anecdote This guy comes up to me on the
street and says he hasn't had a
bite in three days Well, I
knew what he meant But just to be funny, I
took a
big bite out of his jugular vein And he's yelling and screaming and bleeding all over And I'm like "Hey, come on, don't you get it?" But he just keeps rolling around on the
sidewalk, bleeding, and screaming (screaming sounds) You know, just completely missing the
irony of the
whole situation Man, some people just can't take a
joke, you know? Anyway, um, um, where was I? Kinda lost my train of thought Uh, well, uh, OK Anyway I, I
know it's kinda been a
roundabout way of saying it But I
guess the
whole point I'm trying to make here is I! HATE! SAUERKRAUT! That's all I'm really trying to say And, by the
way, if one day you happen to wake up And find yourself in an existential quandary Full of loathing and self-doubt And wracked with the
pain and isolation of your pitiful meaningless existence At least you can take a
small bit of comfort in knowing that Somewhere out there in this crazy ol' mixed-up universe of ours There's still a
little place called Albuquerque Albuquerque Albuquerque, Albuquerque Albuquerque, Albuquerque Albuquerque, Albuquerque Albuquerque, Albuquerque I
said "A" (A) "L" (L) "B" (B) "U" (U) "querque" (querque) Albuquerque, Albuquerque, Albuquerque, Albuquerque Albuquerque, Albuquerque, Albuquerque, Albuquerque Albuquerque, Albuquerque, Albuquerque, Albuquerque Albuquerque, Albuquerque, Albuquerque, Albuquerque Albuquerque