Jacksfilms Rap Roast (Rap Roasts #5)

Ladies and gentlemen
Give it up for Jack Douglass
What a lovely chap, goodness
Oozes from his pores
Like a cup of that bubble stuff
But the trouble is
It's tough to be too critical
On somebody so unbelievably unpolitical
It's difficult to diss a cool kid
Who still kisses his mom
And gives her calls on mother's day
Because she raised her little son
Into a well mannered
And respectable young gentleman
That represents the pinnacle
Of American parental love
You're so disgustingly pure
You must be finding it hard
To hide all that naughtiness
Behind the facade
Your time us up, brah
'Cause no one is impervious
I peel back your veneer
As if I'm skinning furvius
You're nervous
As I'm digging further deep
Into your conscience
It isn't hard to get inside a head
With such a wide circumference
Hat stuck on your skull
Are you crying or slicing onions?
Companies grease your palms
You try to hide the thumbprints
I didn't want to bring your head into it
It's been done already
But then again so has yiay
More than mom's spaghetti
I thought that KSI had a massive cranium
But yours is the reason we need
A bigger capacity stadium
I'm not even kidding about it
I'm serious mate
You could rent that fricking thing out
As real estate
In fact
I'll use it as a canvas
Now to illustrate
The story of a man
And how his fantasy realm
Would seal his fate

You wanted a roast
Well then that's something
I'm delighted to provide
Oh, Jacksfilms, man, you wanted a roast
I'll fill your cavity
With onion, sage and spice
Nice

You live a fairy tale existence
So no wonder you're called Jack
The hat fits
And that's a rare coincidence
Jack be nimble
Jack be quick
Jack be sinful
Jack be thicc
Jack be trying too hard
To act as if he isn't a nasty prick
Jack O'Lantern
Jack and Jill
Jack of spades
Acting like the master
You're the Jack of all trades
Jack Horner
Jack Sprat?
Nah
Jack's a prat
And that's a fact
I'm chopping down his beanstalk
With mean talking raps
And unlike his films
They are action packed
With an actual narrative intact
Can you imagine that?
The cracks never show
Never expose your stressful life
You're a cross between a livestreamer
And a stepford wife
You could meet a mugger
And then end up best of friends for life
And when he stabs you in the back
You'll help him twist the knife
Who is this guy?
Why's he so fricking wholesome?
I reckon his alibi
Must have a couple of holes in
He must have seen John Cena's good deeds
And stole some
Even his gang sign
Is just sticking up his old thumb
I just thank God
I'm not one of the fam squad
I'm squad fam for life, baby
Look
Check out my bank card
Even in a song like this
I make my lyrics bang hard
Give Toby a call
You're breaking that poor man's heart
And when you make a punchline
Out of saying "Finna woke"
Not all the men and womenfolk
Will get the inner joke
They'll think you're poking fun
At people of colour
Who speak in different tones and dialects
When greeting each other
My brother
You're Drake in blackface
Trouble brewing
Look at me
Spilling the hot stuff
I guess that makes me push your tea

I'm a toy maker
Putting Jack in a box
Yet you're back every Christmas
Like a packet of socks
Every time I watch you
There's this dissonant oddness
It's like if idubbbz
Switched jobs
With Mr Rogers

Act two
I'm just being honest
At you
Yiay's just reading comments
And lately
Since you instigated the adpocalypse
You've been popping clips
In your AD gun and cocking it
I spotted it
By redirecting all resentment at Felix
You were free to fire up
Your ornamental AD Helix
At first I thought my firewall connection
Badly glitched
But after more inspection
Jack
I saw your dastardly tricks

You're conspicuously absent
When catastrophe hits
Don't want to be that guy
But I have to be bich
You jump on every trending topic
Just to buck the trend
Giving rubbish more exposure
But it's OK
'Cause it's just pretend
But if you smear yourself
In doo doo ironically
You'll still be smeared in doo doo
Dude
Do you follow me?
Milking the emoji movie
Like a Sony Stooge
Oh, and Coca-Cola telecommunications?
That was Sony's too
So don't be stupid
Don't be fooled
No
It's all a phony fraud
I should call your folks up on the phone
And then disclose it all
Nobody's so pure
Jack
It's sickening to see
You need to tone it up a bit
I hope you're listening to me
Because if we're all assholes
(We're all just assholes talking to a camera)
Talking to a camera
Then I'm an asshole
Talking to an asshole
Through my camera
Nothing deceives
Like the camera can
So I dig up your hidden meanings
Through anagrams

Jack Douglass
Jugs lack soda
Adpocalypse peps cola day
Pepsi cola
Special op
I lace pops
Yesterday I asked you
Teary eyed
Soda is yuk
John Patrick Douglass
Jack uploading shorts
Josh Spurt
Cola AD king
You've been caught!
Now just to prove the conspiracy
One final anagram
Ornamental AD helix
Alexander Hamilton
Alexander Hamilton
Alexander Hamilton
What do you drink cola from?
Alexander can or tin
Any kind of product, Jack is
Alexander selling them
By spreading ADs virally
Alexander Pathogen
That's right
This gimmick track is
Alexander back again
You'll be confused
If it's something you
Alexander haven't seen
So let me clear up the
Alexander Bafflement
The format of this song's just saying
Alexander random thing
I can do this fast all day
Alexander Ramadan
Mixing letter up 'cause I'm the
Alexander Scrabble Don
You couldn't touch the bull with an
Alexander Cattle prod
I'm elmer and you're bugs
Alexander rabbit run
I've outfoxed you
Call me
Alexander basil brush
To ten farts?
You must be
Alexander Flatulent
You've been a naughty boy
I've got to
Alexander smack your bum
Oh no
He's got the hump
Shit
Alexander camel dung
You can close this window if you've
Alexander had enough
Just hold "Alt" and press the
Alexander tab button
Hey, I don't mean it Jack
Come back, we're
Alexander having fun

But come on, man
I think that's
Alexander battle won