Star Wars In 99 Seconds

[Prologue:]

Long, long time ago, long time ago in a galaxy
Far in a galaxy, far far away

[Episode I: The Phantom Menace]

There once was a boy slave destined to save space
He wins a big pod race and hits on a queen
Padme's a cougar
Qui gets killed by Darth Maul who is then chopped in half
Obi Wan must train the one from Tatooine

[Episode II: Attack of the Clones]

It's the clone age, sand people rampage
Mommy got flayed, strayed
Ani's bae is Padme

[Episode III: Revenge of the Sith]

(Anakin vs. Obi Wan and Yoda versus Sidius and Grievous versus Obi Wan, you're breaking my heart)
Anakin you are breaking my heart
Order is made, Jedi are slain
Kill all the baby tiny younglings
Sid takes the throne, Long live the clones
Burn Ani, turn him to a robo

[Episode IV: A New Hope]

Leia hides plans, Vader chokes a man
Alderaan's gone and Han shoots first
You're my only hopie Obi Wan
Look, a small moon
That's a space ship
Worshipfullness, walking carpet
This princess better pay out
Use the force, Luke
Close your eyes and shoot

[Episode V: The Empire Strikes Back]

Lando betrays Han and friends in the sky
Skywalker flies, do or don't, there's no try
Try the dark side
No! No, no! No!
Luke, I'm your daddykins
(what?!)
Your mom was kissing Anakin
(ew.)
Han's frozen
I love you
I know

[Episode VI: Return of the Jedi]

It's father, son and daughter
A dynasty united at last
The galaxy is free from evil
Thanks to the goodness in Darth from the past