Billy The Mountain
(专辑： Playground Psychotics - 1992)
[Mark & Howard:] Billy the
Mountain Billy the
Mountain A
regular picturesque Postcardy mountain Residing between lovely Rosamond and Gorman With his stunning wife Ethell A
tree A
tree Billy was a
mountain Ethell was a
tree Growing off of his shoulder Billy was a
mountain Ethell was a
tree Growing off of his shoulder Billy had two big caves for eyes With a
cliff for a
jaw That would go up 'n down And whenever it did He'd puff out some dust And hack up a
boulder (Hack!) Hack up a
boulder (Hack! Hack!) Hack up a
boulder (Hack! Hack! Hack!) Hack up a
boulder [Mark:] Now, one day, a
man in a
checkered suit drove up in a
big Lincoln Continental, and he laid a
huge, bulging envelope right at the
corner of Billy the
Mountain, right where his foot was supposed to be. Now, Billy the
Mountain, he couldn't believe it! All those postcards he'd posed for, for over these years, and finally now, at last, his royalties! [Group:] Royalties! Royalties! Royalties! Royalties! Ro... [Mark:] Billy the
Mountain was rich! His eyeball-caves widened in amazement. His cliff, which was his jaw, it dropped thirty feet! Ooh, a
bunch of dust puffed out. Rocks and boulders hacked up (hack! hack! hack! hack hack! hack! hack!), crushing the
Lincoln. Now, the
man in the
checkered suit, well, without his car he went screaming off into the
desert at sunset all the
way to Rosamond to get a
beer and tell everybody there including Ronnie Cook what had happened to his car. [Mark & Howard:] I
gave him the
money He acted real funny He hocked up a
rock and It totalled my car Oh, do you Know any trucks might Be bound for the
valley? I
don't wanna stand here All night in this bar (Dear Lord) I
don't wanna stand here All night in this bar (No shit!) I
don't wanna stand here All night in this bar [Mark:] By two o'clock, and the
bars had already closed down, Billy had already broken the
big news to Ethell. With dust and boulders everywhere, Billy, choked with excitement, announced... [Jim & Howard:] Ethell, we're going on a
vacation! [Mark:] Yes! And they were going on a
vacation. Oh, and Ethell, Ethell, Ethell, Ethell, just like a
woman, of course she was delighted. She creaked a
little bit, and some old birds flew off of her (Hey, Mr. Tambourine Man, play a
song...). Billy told Ethell they were going to... They were going to New York! [Jim & Howard:] Ethell, we're going to... New York! [Mark:] But first they would stop in Las Vegas! [Group:] It's off to Las Vegas To check out the
lounges Pull a
few handles Drink a
few beers (Oh, Ethell!) Ethell, my darling You know that I
love you I'm glad we could have a
Vacation this year (Oh, neet-o!) Glad we could have a
Vacation this year [Mark:] They left that night, crunching across the
Mojave Desert. Their voices echoing through the
canyons of your mind! [Jim & Howard:] Ethell, wanna get a
cuppa cawfee? [Mark:] Howard Johnson's! Howard Johnson's! Howard Johnson's! Howard Johnson's! Howard Johnson's! [Jim & Howard:] Ah! There's a
Howard Johnson's! Wanna eat some clams? [Jim:] The
first noteworthy piece of real estate they destroyed was Edwards Air Force Base [FZ:] And to this very day, Wing Nuts and Data Reduction Clerks alike, speak in reverent whispers about that fateful night when Test Stand #1 and the
rocket sled itself got lunched by a
famous mountain and his small, wooden wife [Group:] Good bye to Las Vegas Farewell to the
lounges We pulled a
few handles We drank a
few beers (Chug-a-lug-a-lug!) Guess that George Putnam Should be on the
air now With the
biggest new story That has broken this year (George Putnam!) Biggest new story That has broken this year [Mark:] Take it away, George! [Jim:] Word just in to the
KTTV News Service undeniably links this mountain and his wife to drug abuse and pay-offs as part of a
San Joaquin Valley smut ring! However, we can assure parents in the
Southern California area that a
recent narcotics crack-down in Torrance, Hawthorne, and Lomita, will provide the
secret evidence the
Palmdale Grand Jury has needed to seek a
criminal indictment, and pave the
way for stiffer legislation, increased federal aid, and avert a
crippling strike of bartenders and veterinarians throughout the
Inland Empire. But it is this reporter's opinion that Ethell is a
former communist. [Ian:] Within the
week... [Bob:] Jerry Lewis had hosted a
Telethon... [Mark & Howard:] Wah wah wah, nice lady! [Jim:] To raise funds for the
injured... [Mark & Howard:] Injured [Jim:] And homeless... [Mark & Howard:] Homeless [Jim, Mark & Howard:] In Denver [FZ:] As Billy had just levelled it [Mark:] And a
few miles right outside of town, Billy caused a... [Mark & Howard:] Oh! My Papa [Mark:] In the
Earth's crust, right over the
secret underground dumps where they keep the... [Group:] Pools of old poison gas And obsolete germ bombs [Mark:] Just as a
freak tornado cruised through [Howard:] My baby! My baby! My baby! My baby! [Group:] Ah! [Howard:] My baby! My baby! My baby! My baby! [Group:] Poo-lahh! [Howard:] My baby! My baby! [Mark:] Sucking up two thirds of it (Suck! Suck! Suck! Suck! Suck! Suck! Suck! Suck! Suck!) for untimely dispersal over vast stretches of... [Mark & Howard:] The
Mid West! [Mark:] Now, it was about this time, I
think it was right outside of Columbus, Ohio, that Billy got his notice to report for his induction physical. Now, believe me, Ethell said she wasn't gonna let him go! [Howard:] I'm not gonna let you go, Billy! [Mark:] And George Putnam, the
right-wing creepo fascist pig newscaster from Los Angeles said... [Howard:] Take it away, George Putnam, the
right-wing fascist radical creepo pig newscaster from Los Angeles! [Jim:] We now have confirmed reports from an informed Orange County minister, that Ethell is still an active communist, and it's this reporter's opinion that she also practices... [Howard:] [?] [Jim:] Witchcraft! [FZ:] It was about this time that the
telephone rang in the
secret briefcase belonging to the
one mortal man who might be able to stop all of this senseless destruction and save America herself [Howard:] Now some men say [Mark:] He looked like [Howard:] He looked like Felix Pappalardi [Mark:] Like Felix Pappalardi [Howard:] Still others say [Mark:] Others say [Howard:] Bullshit, man [Mark:] Bullshit, man [Howard:] He was just born [Mark:] He was born [Howard:] Next to the
frozen beef pies at Gristedes [Mark:] Frozen beef pies [Howard:] Still others say [Mark:] Others say he was just another [Howard:] Uh-huh, and uh-huh again He was just a
crazy Italian who drove a
red car [Mark:] Crazy Italian [Howard:] You see, it was hard to tell [Mark:] But nobody knows [Howard:] Nobody knew for sure [Mark:] For sure [Howard:] He was so [Mark:] So [Howard:] Mysterious, oh yes, he was [Mark:] Mysterious [Mark & Howard:] He was so [Mark:] He was so, he was so [Mark & Howard:] Mysterious He was so Mysterious 'Cause when a
person gets to be Such a
hero, folks And marvelous beyond compute You can never really tell about a
guy like that Whether he's really a
nice person Or if he just smiles a
lot Or if he has a
son named Pinocchio Or what? [FZ:] Whether he's really a
nice person or if he has a
son named Pinocchio or what? [Mark & Howard:] Some men say he could fly Some men say he could swim Others say he could sing like Neil Sedaka All the
girls in Flushing Would be amazed of him [Howard:] Two, three... [Mark & Howard:] Amazed of him [Mark:] Time passing [Group:] Right! [FZ:] January, February 1975, 1986 March 1914 [Howard:] So when the
phone rang (Thank you) In the
secret briefcase [Mark:] Thank you [Howard:] A
strong masculine hand With a
wristwatch [Mark:] And flexy bracelet [Jim, Mark & Howard:] Grabbed it [Jim:] And answered In a
deep calmly assured voice... [Howard:] Yes, this is he. What? A
mountain? With a
tree growing off of his shoulder? You're full of shit, man. What? Wha-? Uh, are you sure? Oh well, all right, let me write this down then. Sort of take a
few notes here... To New York? Causing untold destruction? [Mark:] My baby! My baby! My baby! My baby! Oh! My baby! My baby! My baby! My baby! My baby! My baby! My baby! My baby! My baby! My baby! My baby! My baby! My baby! My baby! [Howard:] Wanted for draft evasion? Can I, can I
fly there immediately and reason with him? An expense account? And per diem, too? [Mark & Howard:] Some men say he could dance [FZ:] Yes, he could dance. And here it is, ladies and gentlemen, the
Studebaker Hoch Dancing Lesson & Cosmic Prayer For Guidance, featuring Aynsley Dunbar. [Group:] Twirly, twirly, twirly, twirly Twirly, twirly, twirly, hey! Right hand from the
heart [FZ:] Professional! [Group:] Left hand from the
heart [FZ:] Exquisite! [Group:] Right hand from the
heart [FZ:] Homunculus! [Group:] Left hand from the
left shoulder To the
heart Twirly, twirly, twirly, twirly Twirly, twirly, twirly, twirly, hey! [FZ:] There were a
number of very peculiar rumors circulating about Studebaker Hoch recently. Consider if you will the
rumors that have spread that he could write the
Lord's Prayer on the
head of a
pin. [Group:] Some men say he could write the
Lord's Prayer On the
head of a
Head of a
Head of a
pin [Mark:] Three Dog Night! Yeah! [Howard:] Others still maintain the
fact [Mark:] Good God! [Howard:] He was born next to the
frozen beef pies [Mark & Howard:] And that was the
main influence on him [Jim:] Boldly springing into action, he phoned his wife [Mark:] Who ran a
modeling school, whereupon she... he ran around the
back of Gimbels to see if he could find himself some big unused cardboard boxes. [Howard:] After which he hit up Gristedes for some Kaiser Broiler Foil, some Aunt Jemima Syrup, and a
pair of blunt scissors [Mark:] Yes, and in the
parking lot across the
street from the
One Fifth Avenue Hotel, in between a
pair of customized trucks where nobody was looking, he cut out a
pair of really, really nice wings, and he covered 'em thoroughly with foil. Thoroughly with foil. Thoroughly with foil. Thoroughly with foil. Thoroughly with foil. [Mark & Group:] Thoroughly with foil. Thoroughly with foil. [Jim:] Then he took those wings and wedged one under each of his powerful arms and sneaked into the
telephone booth [Mark:] He closed the
door! And he pulled down his gray denim bus driver type pants, and he spread even amounts of Aunt Jemima Syrup all over the
inside of his legs, right underneath his boxer print shorts. Ha ha ha! [Jim:] Soon the
booth was filling with flies [Mark & Howard:] Help me! Help me! Help me! Help me! [Jim:] He held open the
legs of his boxer shorts so they could all get in [Mark:] Yes! And when each and every one of those little, each and every one of those little cock-sucking flies had got into his boxer shorts, and was lapping up all that good Aunt Jemima Syrup, he bent over and he put his head between his legs and he said to those little flies in a
clear, impressive voice... [Mark & Howard:] New York! [Jim, Mark & Howard:] And the
booth And everything Lifted up Out of the
parking lot And into the
sky! [Group:] Studebaker Hoch Yeah, yeah Studebaker Hoch Stu-de-baker Hoch! Studebaker Hoch Yeah, yeah Studebaker Hoch Stu-de-baker Hoch! He's coating his legs With Aunt Jemima Syrup up and down His shorts'll be filled With flies that will be Buzzing all around [Mark:] Help me! Help me! Help me! [Group:] Stoodlabaker Hoch He's really outa sight Stoodlabaker Hoch He does it every night Stoodlabaker Hoch He treats the
flies all right Stoodlabaker Hoch That's why they never bite, hey! Please to New York! Fly to New York! He could be a
dog Or a
frog Or a
lesbian queen Fly to New York! He could be a
nark Or a
lady marine Or he might play dirty He's over thirty Getting old? Say! I
don't know! His peculiar attire And the
flies he require Keep leading him on 'Cause Ethell is gone And the
mountain she's on Please to New York! Fly to New York! [Group:] Fly to New York! I
don't know! His peculiar attire And the
flies he require Keep leading him on 'Cause Ethell is gone They keep leading him on 'Cause Ethell is gone And the
mountain she's on [FZ:] We join Studebaker Hoch standing on the
edge of Billy the
Mountain's mouth [Howard:] Billy? I've come to reason with you. Our great country needs you in the
Armed Forces. Why, it's all fair and square, the
lottery, you know? Your number came up. You can't go on running like this forever. [Mark:] Ethell shook her twigs angrily, but Studebaker Hoch, un-ferturbed, continued... [Howard:] Listen, you [*cough, cough*] [Group:] Listen, you communist son-of-a-bitch! You better get your ass down there for your fucking physical, or I'll see to it that you get used for fill dirt in some impending New Jersey marsh reclamation. And your girlfriend here will wind up disguised as a
series of brooms, primitive ironing boards, or a
dog house. Get the
(cough, cough)... [Howard:] Get the
picture? [Mark:] Billy just laughed [Jim & Howard:] Ho, ho, ho! [Jim:] If they think they're gonna draft me, they're crazy! [FZ:] Now you'll remember that Studebaker Hoch was standing on the
edge of Billy's mouth, so that when he laughed, he lost his balance and unfortunately fell, screaming, two hundred feet into the
rubble below! [Group:] Aaahhhhhhhh... [Howard:] That was only one hundred feet, you Carnaby cutie, let's hear another set! [Group:] Aaahhhhhhhh... [Mark:] Which only goes to prove... [Group:] A
mountain is something You don't wanna fuck with You don't wanna fuck with Don't fuck around (Don't fuck around) Don't fuck with Billy And don't fuck with Ethell (You saw what just happened To the
guy with the
flies!) Don't fuck around! Don't fuck around! Don't fuck around! Don't fuck around! Don't fuck around! Don't fuck around! Don't fuck around! [Mark:] With Biddilly [Howard:] Biddilly [Ian:] Biddilly [Bob:] Biddilly [Jim:] Biddilly [Group:] Biddilly the
Mountin-innnnnnn! Biddilly the
Mountin-innnnnnn! [FZ:] Thank you for coming to our concert. Good night.
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