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The Pause Of Mr. Claus
(专辑: Arlo - 1968)
This next song we're going to dedicate to a
great American organization. Tonight I'd like to dedicate this to our boys in the
FBI. Well, wait a
minute. It's hard to be an FBI man. I
mean, first of all, being an FBI man, you have to be over 40 years old. And the
reason is that it takes at least 25 years with the
organization to be that much of a
bastard. It's true. You just can't join, you know. It needs an atmosphere where your natural bastardness can grow and develop and take a
meaningful shape in today's complex society. But that's not why I
want to dedicate the
song to the
FBI. I
mean, the
job that they have to do is a
drag. I
mean, they have to follow people around, you know. That's part of their job. Follow me around. I'm out on the
highway and I'm driving down the
road and I
run out of gasoline. I
pull over to the
side of the
road. They gotta pull over too make believe that they ran out, you know. I
go to get some gasoline. They have to figure out whether they should stick with the
car or follow me. Suppose I
don't come back and they're staying with the
car. Or if I
fly on the
airplanes, I
could fly half fare because I'm 12 to 22. And they gotta pay the
full fare. But the
thing is that when you pay the
full fare, you have to get on the
airplane first, so that they know how many seats are left over for the
half fare kids. Right? And sometimes there aren't any seats left over, and sometimes there are, but that doesn't mean that you have to go. Suppose that he gets on and fills up the
last seat, so you can't get on. Then he gets off then you can get on. What's he gonna do? Well, it's a
drag for him. But that's not why I
want to dedicate the
song to the
FBI. During these hard days and hard weeks, everybody always has it bad once in a
while. You know, you have a
bad time of it, and you always have a
friend who says "Hey man, you ain't got it that bad. Look at that guy." And you at that guy, and he's got it worse than you. And it makes you feel better that there's somebody that's got it worse than you. But think of the
last guy. For one minute, think of the
last guy. Nobody's got it worse than that guy. Nobody in the
whole world. That guy...he's so alone in the
world that he doesn't even have a
street to lay in for a
truck to run him over. He's out there with nothing. Nothin's happening for that cat. And all that he has to do to create a
little excitement in his own life is to bum a
dime from somewhere, call up the
FBI. Say "FBl?", they say "Yes", say "I think Uncle Ho and Chair man Mao and their friends are coming over for dinner" [click] Hang up the
phone. And within two minutes, and not two minutes from when he hangs up the
phone, but two minutes from when he first put the
dime in, they got 30,000 feet of tape rollin'; files on tape; pictures, movies, dramas, actions on tape. But then they send out a
half a
million people all over the
entire world, the
globe, they find out all they can about this guy. 'Cause there's a
number of questions involved in the
guy. I
mean, if he was the
last guy in the
world, how'd he get a
dime to call the
FBI? There are plenty of people that aren't the
last guys that can't get dimes. He comes along and he gets a
dime. I
mean, if he had to bum a
dime to call the
FBI, how was he gonna serve dinner for all of those people? How could the
last guy make dinner for all those people. And if he could make dinner, and was gonna make dinner, then why did he call the
FBI? They find out all of those questions within two minutes. And that's a
great thing about America. I
mean, this is the
only country in the
world...l mean, well, it's not the
only country in the
world that could find stuff out in two minutes, but it's the
only country in the
world that would take two minutes for that guy. Other countries would say "Hey, he's the
last guy...screw him", you know? But in America, there is no discrimination, and there is no hypocrisy,'cause they'll get anybody. And that's a
wonderful thing about America. And that's why tonight I'd like to dedicate it to every FBI man in the
audience. I
know you can't say nothing, you know, you can't get up and say "Hi!" cause then everybody knows that you're an FBI man and that's a
drag for you and your friends. They're not really your friends, are they? I
mean, so you can't get up and say nothing 'cause other wise, you gotta get sent back to the
factory and that's a
drag for you and it's an expense for the
government, and that's a
drag for you. We're gonna sing you this Christmas carol. It's for all you bastards out there in the
audience tonight. It's called "The Pause of Mr. Claus". Why do you sit there so strange? Is it because you are beautiful? You must think you are deranged Why do police guys beat on peace guys? You must think Santa Clause weird He has long hair and a
beard Giving his presents for free Why do police guys mess with peace guys? Let's get Santa Clause 'cause; Santa Clause has a
red suit He's a
communist And a
beard, and long hair Must be a
pacifist What's in the
pipe that he's smoking? Mister Clause sneaks in your home at night. He must be a
dope fiend, to put you up tight Why do police guys beat on peace guys?
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